I got the following letter recently and I must say I found it infuriating. Fertility Stories has received many tens of stories from women (and even one from a man, Jim - which he updated recently, after the birth of his daughter) who either contemplated or went through with sperm donation and this is the first that expressed this opinion. Our page on donor thoughts also paints the picture entirely differently and I was very surprised to receive this:
"I have been prompted to share my experience following Joan's story (posted January 20, 2006). They have been married for almost 4 years and just discovered that the husband has no sperm.
Joan, and others struggling out there, I got married in 1994 and 4 years later the doctors said that I have no sperm and will not be able to father a child. We have been living in tears for more than 11 years in this condition. It is important to understand what your partner goes through, especially if it is only one of you with a problem. Let us not be selfish and try to get a solution that satisfies only one partner. Children are meant to be for 2 people - husband and wife.
Friends and family have offered many options, all of which will never replace biological children. While we could have gone for donor sperm, I feel that the child will be for my wife (and another man!!) and not ours. Adoption may seem neutral but such children usually find their biological parents when they grow up. And this can be so frustrating.
Many times, people around us do not understand what we go through. On several occassions we have been blamed for delaying childbearing (we are now 37). We have failed to forget the whole matter. Sometimes we feel desperate and other times we are so hopeful through prayer. But the desire for biological children is unquenchable.
As a way forward, we have decided to sink ourselves in prayer. There is nothing impossible with God. We believe that soon we shall have children and our tears of sorrow will be replaced with tears of joy. Let us continue the struggle prayerfully. Miracles still happen, and ours will happen soon. Keep your hopes high, irrespective of your age."
Though I can understand the desire to have the same biological connection to your child (as your spouse does), I find it difficult to comprehend how someone with such a strong desire for children could also be so against adoption.
Please feel free to share your comments.