I'm writing this as I need someone to share this burden with, and to share my complete desperation. I have not had an easy life, but after many difficult years I am finally moving on and am happy for the first time in many years. Or so I thought.
I made many difficult sacrifices in the past and I know that I may not achieve in life all that I could have; I have settled for a simple life with a simple, minimum wage job. This has not bothered me up until now as I realised I never wanted a "career," I wanted a family.
Unlike many of my female peers, I look forward to the time I will be a family woman, bearing children and looking after home and husband. After all the difficulties I have been through in life, and I won't list them here, I finally felt a sense of purpose - to be a wife and to be a mother. I have finally met "the one" and he feels the same for me. We are not well-off financially, but we both treasure the free things in life more than we could ever appreciate the material. We re planning on becoming engaged in the next few months, marrying a year or so after and then finally having a family of our own.
Knowing this meant I could justify dropping-out of education, justify working at a job far below my capability, taking home minimum wage. But now I have come to the cold realisation that I am struggling with fertility. This feels like the ultimate blow, one final punch in the guts from life. I don't understand why I can't have this, the only thing I want when so many others fall pregnant accidentally or unintentionally, with such ease. I don't know how I can cope with this, knowing I've thrown everything else away so I have the only thing I really wanted - a family; but now it seems I won't be granted my wish.
I feel like a failure as a woman and as a girlfriend, I feel like my body is betraying me. I fight to control my emotions everytime I see a young child, baby or pregnant woman. It's even harder when it's people I know, and everyone is so happy for them. But I can't help but feel jealous and cheated. Most of all I feel grief like I've never known, almost like a family member has died. Of course every month when AF comes I'm mourning the loss of something that was never actually there. I don't know how to deal with this and survive this, I just don't know how I can come to terms with not having any children, I just don't know what will fill this massive void in my life. Please help me. I'm at my wits end I just want it so much I can't even comprehend this never happening for me.
I felt the need to answer Lauren and know there are many important things I've missed. Got any words of wisdom for Lauren? I'm sure she'll appreciate it. I'll put my answer in the comments, so it will be with the other responses.