Sunday, October 21, 2007

Uh Oh - The Opposite Direction

Today, as I was crossing the street with Abigail, I saw E. E has a daughter in the same grade as my twins & a son who's about 3 years younger. When I was pregnant with Nomi, we met at the bus stop & spoke (we first met about 7 years ago). She was in about the same week I was and she was really excited. My impression was that she'd been trying for a long time. She subsequently lost the pregnancy at around 20 weeks, I was never aware of the circumstances. Because she was already showing at the time, she had an email sent out to our community, explaining that she had miscarried. My heart fell when I heard. It seemed so unfair... I hoped that they would be successful again soon.

Today, when I crossed the street, I'm sure she couldn't miss the fact that I am expecting again. I thought about how looking at me with Abigail must remind her of the fact that we would have had children who were the same age (even though hers would have been Nomi's age). I thought about how hard it must be for her because I'm only one of the women she sees all the time who's gone on to have more children while she hasn't been successful (and when you have 2 kids in school, you run into these women often).

I also wonder if, after already having 2 children and then losing a long-awaited pregnancy so late, you wouldn't just give up at some point & think, "I can't do this to myself anymore."

Mostly, I felt guilty for how seeing me might have made her feel.


Minerva Jane said...

how compassionate. i have only been trying to conceive for 10 months, but in that time several of my friends--all of us over 35--have become pregnant. many of them have been very sensitive about talking to me about it out of courtesy and i appreciated it. i'm sure her heart would be warmed too to know you had thought so much about how and what she might feel

Bea said...

Unfortunately you can't make her infertility go away - and I'm sure she doesn't wish yours would - you can only control how you interact with her and make sure it's as sensitive as possible. I'm confident you're up to the task.


Sarah said...

yeah, you feel for her because you've been there and you know. because you're a good and kind and empathetic person. not because there's any reason to feel bad about running into her pregnant.

i'm really interested too in when and how and why people choose to get off the IF merry-go-round. i just think it's so different for everyone. i have a SIL who gave up after just one treatment attempt ended in a rather horrible on-going ectopic situation, and awful as it was, i couldn't understand how she could give up. i mean i can see why it makes perfect sense not to continue the torment and i think there may have also been financial issues, but for me personally i wouldn't have been able to let go. thank god the whole world is not full of me's.