Quick recap: While still partly under anesthesia, I signed away what turned out to be 2 eggs which were then fertilized and transferred to another woman
After many nights of wondering, imagining what she/he/they would look like and be like, I decided that I was ready to know either way.
I made the call to the clinic, explaining the story, telling the nurse all the details she needed and asking whether I could leave my agreement to be reached in the file. She wasn't sure, but she said she'd get back to me in an hour or so.
I picked my kids up from school & my cellphone rang just as they were getting out of the car. I gave them money to get pizza (we'd just pulled up at the pizza place) and sat in the car to talk. She'd been able to look up the information and she told me that there was no pregnancy.
No pregnancy. No kid (or kids). No unknown siblings for my kids... No people to meet who might want to get to know me just because they share some of my genes... No fancy 'breaking it to the kids' talk either.
People I've told since have said that it must have been a relief to hear that. It wasn't really. I actually felt very slightly disappointed, but mostly ambivalent. What the knowledge has done is freed me from wondering what ever happened. I do wonder how I would have felt had there been a child (or children) and either we never made contact or it took a very long time...
Is it what I hoped for for many years? Definitely. Is it easier this way? Also definitely. Is this the best way things could have turned out? I'm not sure...